Which is fine – as long as the woman is up for the insecurity of not knowing where your relationship is headed. “If our culture starts once again demanding and creating chaste women, you’re going to get chaste women through and through.” Chaste means abstaining from extramarital or all intercourse.
I’m saying that women should wait until he’s a boyfriend, even if that means date 3.
“Best thing is to remove expectations so you will never get hurt.” As a dating coach, I spend a lot of time managing women’s expectations and trying to ensure they’re realistic.
If you expect to fall in love in 30 days on Match, you’ll be disappointed.
I’ve only done this twice before: once, in a post defending Lori Gottlieb’s “Marry Him,” and a second time, in a post explaining my opposition to Rori Raye’s “Circular Dating.” These were the only two times that I remember being equally frustrated at how something was being misconstrued that I needed to take an hour and go through a bullet point by bullet point dissection of my original thesis.
Now I know that writing this is not going to change a thing. First of all, here was the premise of my original post: “You want to find out if a man is serious about you? If you don’t – because you’re a liberated woman who can have sex whenever you damn well please – don’t be too surprised if a decent percentage of those men never call again.
Gottlieb’s advice is completely “wrong.” No it’s not.
If you’re a woman who wants to have her own biological children, you have more options when you’re in your early 30’s than you do in your early 40’s.
Sexual compatibility is one of many factors you’ll have to consider in determining your future.So it’s not about a number of dates or months: it’s about assessing his intention: does this guy really like you enough to commit or does he just want to have sex with you?“We woman are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Wait too long and the guy will get it somewhere else.” Nope. No one is suggesting that you’re losing out on a prize of a man if he values getting laid in three dates over how much he values you. I think you have all the power in the world: to be sexual, to assess your options, to understand his point of view, to make him feel good, and to STILL insist that your man be interested in pursuing a relationship before you have sex.Because, you’re right: a guy can “wait you out” for 7 arbitrary dates, fuck you, and then bail.But since most men do not want the hassle or the emotion of calling you a girlfriend and THEN bailing, by refusing sex without commitment, you weed those guys out.You work with what you’ve got and if you can’t make it work, you break up.You don’t HAVE to have sex first; you WANT to have sex first.But it does do one thing: it ensures that the guy you just slept with is not seeing anybody else and is seriously open to exploring a future. “This is why so many feel “used” because they waited a month, or two, or three and finally “gave in” and POOF he’s gone anyways.” I didn’t say that you should wait a month or two or three before “giving in”.(Unless, of course, he’s a psycho who would lie to your face to get laid – and I’m suggesting most normal men would rather find another woman than to do that.) “There is a shaming of women for wanting to have sex.” From whom? As I said in my original post, “I’m not remotely judgmental of those who have sex without commitment.” Hell, I’ve had a lot of sex without commitment. Waiting for some arbitrary time period has never been the point.What I’m talking about here is completely different. Why not just save intercourse for men who verbally told you that they want to be exclusive with you? Now to avoid being misinterpreted: if you WANT to text, fuck, and not have any expectations from the guy, God Bless You.You can “remove expectations” and not be too surprised when the guy who fucked you is on Ok Cupid the next day. Why remove all expectations from men and expect nothing from them? This advice has nothing to do with you and you should have absolutely no criticism of it.